I spent the Halloween evening eating pizza near a MacGyver-like fireplace and having a blast with Vasquinho, the two-years son of Pedro and Sara.
I made him an improvised mask with a beer carton box. He chased and scared people with the mask on. We ripped off into tiny little pieces all the Autumn leaves we could find in the ground. We throw them up in the air and watch them as they fall down like snow. We played with our own shadows. We found an empty snail shelf and we looked for a nice place at IGC to keep it save.
Suddenly, my wish to be a Mom came along once more.
When I was in College, I wanted to be a wife and a mother before 30. I’m 26 now. I still have the same wish. I just want to postponed it a little bit more. I don’t want to rush it. I prefer to wait for the right timing.
Before I was looking for someone that would fill the void in my soul, would make me feel complete. Now I strongly believe I should feel complete on my own. I should first discover, understand and love myself before I commit to someone. I shouldn’t have a void in my soul and I definitely shouldn’t expect anyone to fill that void.
Instead of making me feel complete, the last years of my previous relationship made me feel empty and misunderstood. It is an awful feeling when the person you love is not able to understand you and to walk together with you in the same life path.
Now I’m free. I’m discovering, understanding and loving every bit of my weird, bubbly and quiet personality and even my skinny and curveless physique. I’m starting to feel complete on my own.
I don’t know if I will find someone I’m willing to commit to. I’m afraid to feel empty and trapped again. To let down my guards again. To be in love again.
Every time my wish to be a Mom comes along, I can’t stop wondering.
“Should I wait for Mr. Right or should I start a family as a single Mom?”
Time will tell.
Photo taken by André Bastos at Savitri & Pravin Weeding in Goa, India, November 2007. I’m in the background playing with kids.